“It takes a man to admit that he was wrong,” something my father used to tell me. I always believed him, simply out of respect, but I never really took it to heart. I would always say “I know dad…” brushing it off as a truth anyone would know. Of course, it was always in the context of me being in the wrong, so I was a little hesitant to embody that saying.  I have found that, however, it is not common knowledge, and the underlying behavior of that statement is something that is essential to getting ahead in life.

People do not like to admit it, but your ability to make people like you is the single most important thing for a successful life. There is one book that I recommend if you want to get better at this aspect of success. It is called How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie(if you want a summary this blog post is a good overview) This book was published in 1936 yet the aspects that it covers are still very useful today. One of the main points of the book just so happens to be (Dale Carnegie, 1936) “If you’re wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.” I guess my dad was not so wrong after all.

I am going to go through each main point in this book and give my thoughts and advice on it.

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

1. Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like complainers, people who criticize, and if you “condemn” me I will probably not like you. If you apply the “golden rule” with this, you can kind of understand why people will not respond well to these three things.
2. Give honest and sincere appreciation. Sometimes it feels like I do so much at work, yet no one notices. I bust my ass for 12 and a half hours a day and not one word of appreciation comes my way. Just a simple “thank you” when someone does something to help you or for you can go a long way, that is if you mean it. People can usually sense if you do not.
3. Arouse in the other person an eager want. To get someone to do something for you, whatever it is, you must get that person to want to do it. You need to see things from their perspective and figure out how doing the thing you want can help them and point that out. Just simply pointing out our mutual desire for this certain thing to get done will make the task so much easier.

Six Ways to Make People Like You

1. Become genuinely interested in other people. This might be an obvious one, but if you spend years trying to get people interested in you, you will not get as many friends as a couple of months of being interested in them.
2. Smile. Just as laughter is contagious, so is a smile. Show people you are in a good mood and are open to conversation. If you look like you are in a bad mood, then people will not want to approach or even talk to you.
3. Remember that a person’s name is, to that person, the sweetest and most important sound in any language. Saying someone’s name is not only a way to address them, but it is a great way to show that you remember them. If you have met a person once, don’t see them in a week, then see them and call them by the name they will notice that.
4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. This is trickier than it sounds. To be a good listener you must really pay attention to what they say and provide important and relevant feedback. It will make the person feel important and it will seem sincere.
5. Talk in terms of the other person’s interest. If we continue to talk about the other person’s interest instead of our own. We will make them feel like we value what they like, and in return, they will value us.
6. Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely. The word sincere has come up quite a bit already. There is a reason for that. People can sense, as I said before if you are pandering them. It is best to make them feel important by valuing their input and ideas.

Twelve Ways to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

1. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. Arguments are never beneficial. Whether you win or lose the other person will not like you better because of it. Avoid an argument at all costs.
2. Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say “You’re wrong.” As soon as you tell someone they are wrong, they lose some respect for you and like you less. This is one of the situations where you do want to beat around the bush as to not humiliate or insult their pride.
3. If you’re wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. As soon as you realize you are wrong, just admit it. The quicker this happens the better people view you.
4. Begin in a friendly way. Do not start the discussion with “The only right way to do this is” this only sends the other people into defense mode and they will not receive your way of thinking very well. Try to keep the conversation open and lead them to your own view.
5. Start with questions to which the other person will answer yes. Start with whatever it is everyone agrees with. Bring it up as often as possible. If you can get them into the habit of saying yes, they will be more open to different ideas.
6. Let the other person do an agreat deal of the talking. People enjoy hearing themselves talks. They like it when they can bounce around the ideas themselves. It will sound so much better to them if they rationalize the problem than if you do.
7. Let the other person feel the idea is his or hers. If you can get the other person to “come up” with the idea themselves by way of your direction there will be no twisting of the arm to get them on board. If they feel they thought of it, they will be happy to follow that idea.
8. Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view. People don’t believe things out of the blue, there is a reason they think what they do. It is your job to understand what that is. You can them work on swaying them to whatever it is you want.
9. Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires. Sympathy can make someone sympathetic. If you understand that someone has wants, desires, and challenges they will be more likely to recognize your own.
10.  Appeal to the nobler motives. If you can make them believe that if they follow your ideas, it will be a noble moral thing.
11. Dramatize your ideas. Simply state the truth is often not enough. Make sure it is interesting and dramatic. Sensationalize anything you can and dramatize it.
12. Throw down a challenge. People love to prove their worth. If we give them a way to do so, via challenge, they will often rise and meet our expectations.

Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation. People respond well to a good “Well done!” If they feel like they are doing a good job they are more likely be willing to improve at it.
2. Call attention to peoples mistakes indirectly. If you are direct and tell someone “This is what you are doing wrong.” They will most likely not care as much as if you did, “I like to do it this way, it seems to work better.” Never even mentioning what they did wrong.
3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person. Make sure when something goes wrong you take responsibility for it. Relieving the burden on others will make them more receptive of your critiques of them.
4. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders. Instead of “Do this” simply say “It may be better if it is done this way.” Suggesting something instead of ordering will make them less resentful to the new way and more likely to keep doing it.
5. Let the other person save face. Do not make a public display of someone’s mistakes. If we allow them to “save face” and spare them the embarrassment of public shaming they will be more likely to improve by their own will.
6. Praise every improvement. Who doesn’t like a little praise? If we want someone to improve at something, you need them to want to. The faster and most effective way to do that is to praise their accomplishments.
7. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to. If you give the person a reputation, they will try and live up to that reputation and work hard to make sure they do better. Just make sure that reputation is a good one.
8. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct. When we have a mountain to overcome in front of us often time we get discouraged and stop trying to climb it. However, if we got a series of small hills to overcome, it will seem easy, and people will be jumping at the opportunity to improve.
9. Make the other person happy about doing what you suggest. We must learn to make the other person’s desire in line with what we want. If we can frame any problem in a way that seems like they would want it, they will be happy to do so.

References Dale Carnegie. (1936). How to Win Friends and Influence People. New York: Simon and Schuster